Despite the overall sombre tone of my blogposts to date, it's not true to say life's been a complete b!+c# to me. Maybe half of it. Perhaps. This weekend I've been taking stock. More accurately, this entire semester I've been taking stock.
In university I have few friends but good friends. So far they comprise: 1 annoying smartarse, 1 sensitive but steadfast fellow, 1 interesting, hard to approach but still friendly personage and 1 extremely happy-go-lucky, feel-good character. There are a couple of other acquaintances besides who make pleasant company, but these 4 - plus I - are the ones who hang out together.
We have fun. Well, there aren't any girls in the group, but that allows us to have other types of fun - bro-type fun.
We study hard. Very hard.
We sit for exams.
That's all there is to it, really: periods of relative quiet broken up by chaotic flurries of activity. The phrase 'poetic violence' comes to mind, but there is nothing poetic in it, just steady perseverance and nights of frenetic mental activity.
It's not much of a university life, but silver linings, silver linings. All too soon it will be over.
What does that make me, really? A university student who has never had a university 'life' per se, at least as per the popular conception. At 19 I have never had a girlfriend - I'm rather alone in that regard. At least I avoided the pitfalls of crushes and puppy love - mostly - but scary thoughts: how will I know how to treat her?
A mathematical equation, thusly: (trial + error) - trial = error. Please be forgiving, love; it looks like the first few months at least will probably involve a lot of me blundering about.
Of course we are told that the university life popular is hyped, glamourised, that it is all unnecessary and a waste of precious time. This precept I have faithfully obeyed, but looking around me I wonder: have I really done the right thing? Is it wrong if I were to, say, slow down my pace, pick up a few experiences here and there - writing, recreational, is one thing, writing under a deadline, and professionally, is another. I would like the latter experience.
Had I the freedom I might have taken up Literature, Journalism, even Creative Writing. Talent I have, and the mind, but the opportunity for formal training, no. Or rather, the opportunity is there, but I cannot avail myself of it.
Sometimes it can be said that the little projects that like-minded visionaries that are embarked upon in university are a test model for real-life campaigns. Does this then mean that I am missing out on a potentially vital phase of test-marketing and experimentation? Could the success of my life-goals be in jeopardy because I dismissed the seeds of these early beginnings as too much a waste of time to plant?
After the corporate career climb it is said that the leverage of networks and acquaintances can provide one the boost to get to even loftier positions. Lacking the opportunity to socialise in the university with a wide range of individuals, am I lacking this important (?) component to success? Are my efforts doomed to fail?
I am a logical person. I study, I analyse; I project, I forecast, I budget, I extrapolate. But I can no longer predict with certainty whether what I do is right, or if I am denying myself precious opportunity here. The potentials of consequences avoid my grasp. The future becomes too obscured to foretell.
Faith is all I have left... all I cling to.
